Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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