4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
