i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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