also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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