Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
