Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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