i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
