fuck your aforementioned shoe
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
