WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
