Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
