lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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