peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
