OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
