There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
