good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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