just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
