ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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