I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
