you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
