Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
