So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
