Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You were trust falling into bushes
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