I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
