tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
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Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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