she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
