If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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