I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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