oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
