I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
smell my finger.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
