3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
