i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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