A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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