Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
