you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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