drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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