just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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