The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
