I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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