even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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