the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
