I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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