you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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