It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
