I faked an abortion last night.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
