He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
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Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
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I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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