I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
