Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
