Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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