she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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