All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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