I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
