dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
