If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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