we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
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