i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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