Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
